Emotional dependence

1. THE CONCEPT OF EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE.

An excessive need for affection, validation and attention from another person, usually within a romantic relationship, although it can also occur in family, friendship or work relationships. This type of dependency is characterised by an inability to to feel fulfilled or confident without the other person being there or giving their approval.

The emotional dependence implies a unequal relationship, where one party submits or sacrifices themselves for to avoid rejection, abandonment or loneliness.

2. ARE HUMAN BEINGS EMOTIONALLY DEPENDENT?

To a certain extent, all human beings are emotionally dependent, since, By nature, we are social beings who need interaction and connection with others. From birth, we depend emotionally on our carers to feel safe, loved and protected. This kind of dependence is normal and essential for healthy development, as it helps us lay the foundations for trust and emotional well-being.

However, when emotional dependence becomes excessive, as in the case of pathological emotional dependence, it can interfere with a person’s autonomy and emotional balance. This type of dependence is characterised by a disproportionate need for approval, attention or affection from others, particularly in interpersonal relationships, and is often associated with an inability to function independently without constant validation from others.

Therefore, whilst emotional dependence is a natural part of our social nature, when it becomes an unsustainable or toxic dependency, it can have a negative impact on our mental health and our relationships.

3. WHEN DOES EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE BECOME PATHOLOGICAL?

Emotional dependence becomes pathological when it ceases to be a natural and healthy need for social connection and turns into a an excessive and uncontrollable urge that negatively affects a person’s daily life, relationships and emotional well-being. It is considered pathological when:

1. An excessive need for approval and external validation. This creates chronic insecurity and a sense of emotional emptiness that can only be ‘filled’ through the attention or love of others.
2. An intense fear of abandonment. Leading the person to make extreme decisions or engage in extreme behaviour in order to avoid losing the other person, even if this involves personal sacrifice or emotional self-destruction.
3. Difficulty making decisions independently. Difficulty making decisions without the other person’s guidance or approval. This may include choices in key areas such as relationships, career or personal life.
4. Distress when the relationship is under threat. Extreme distress at the realisation that a relationship is at risk. 

4. WARNING SIGNS.

The warning signs of pathological emotional dependency can be subtle at first, but they tend to become more pronounced over time. Here are some of the most common ones:

• A constant feeling of emotional dissatisfaction.
• Fear of abandonment or rejection.
• Constant sacrifice of one’s own needs. The person tends to put the needs of others before their own, in order to avoid conflict or losing the relationship.
• Low self-esteem and a feeling of not being good enough. This can lead to a constant search for external approval.
• Difficulty making decisions independently. The person may feel lost or unsure when making decisions on their own.
• Controlling behaviour and excessive jealousy.
• Unequal and toxic relationships. People who are emotionally dependent tend to remain in destructive or unbalanced relationships, where they make excessive sacrifices or submit to the other person, even though the other person does not appreciate this or reciprocate in kind.
• Anxiety, sadness or depression when the relationship faces difficulties. Any minor conflict or challenge in the relationship can trigger feelings of despair, deep sadness or anxiety, as it is perceived as a threat to the emotional bond.
• Difficulty being alone. The person dislikes spending time alone and, rather than enjoying their own company, feels a great sense of unease or emptiness when they are not surrounded by others, particularly the person on whom they are emotionally dependent.
• Idealising the relationship. The person may view the relationship as a solution to all their problems, believing that their happiness or emotional stability depends solely on that relationship, and often downplaying signs of toxicity or dysfunction. 

5. THE CONSEQUENCES OF EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCE.

The most common consequences include:

– Mental health issues such as: anxiety, depression and/or chronic stress.

– Low self-esteem, distorting their view of their own identity.

– Unequal relationships. Relationships can become abusive or controlling, particularly when one partner tries to control the other’s life out of fear of being abandoned.

– Social distancing.

– Loss of independence.

– A sense of insecurity and a lack of control over one’s own life.

– Procrastination and a lack of personal achievement. Because the person focuses excessively on the other person’s emotional needs, they may neglect their own objectives and goals, resulting in a lack of personal achievement. 

6. TOOLS AND RESOURCES

• Talk to a mental health professional.
• Self-care techniques: mindfulness, meditation and/or yoga.
• Work on building self-esteem and developing emotional independence. Set long-term goals and plan activities to undertake.
• Self-help groups or support from close friends and family can sometimes be enough, provided that you are not suffering from severe emotional dependency.

*It is important to emphasise that dependency is a symptom of an absence and/or deficiency. In other words, dependency manifests itself through dysfunctional behaviour caused by an unidentified symptom.

7. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

• Can emotional dependency be overcome without therapy?

Yes, it is possible to overcome emotional dependency without therapy, but professional help speeds up and makes the process easier, providing valuable insight into the situation. Some people manage to improve through self-awareness, self-care, reading and social support on their own, without external help.

• How long does it take to overcome emotional dependency?

The time required varies depending on the severity of the addiction, one’s commitment to the process of change, and the resources available. For some people, it can take months or even years of consistent effort. Self-compassion and patience are key. Although progress can be made in the short term, deep emotional healing is an ongoing process, and maintaining healthy habits is essential in the long term.

• What if the other person doesn't want to change?

If the person on whom you are emotionally dependent is unwilling to change or improve the relationship, it may be necessary to reassess the relationship. In a healthy relationship, both partners must be committed to each other’s emotional well-being. If the other person shows no interest in improving the situation, the dependent person should focus on their own well-being and learn to set healthy boundaries. Sometimes, emotional distancing or even ending the relationship is necessary for healing and maintaining emotional health.